Let’s blame Michael Moore for 9\11, the Oklahoma City bombing, Pearl Harbor, AIDS, and the sinking of the Lusitania

If Michael Moore personally hunted down Osama bin Laden, found him and caught him, dragged him by his beard back to America, threw him in the middle of the rubble at Ground Zero in New York, and body-slammed him, then let the rest of lower Manhattan take care of bin Laden Noo Yawk-style, people would still call Moore a traitor.  I mean, how else do you explain An American Carol, the upcoming movie that satirizes Moore.  I was initially afraid that it might “satirize” him the way Birth of a Nation makes lighthearted fun  of Reconstruction. 

Am I being unfair, to this movie that I haven’t even seen?  Reason magazine (which is not exactly a left-leaning publication) reviewed the film, and– well, you have to read it:

Executive producer Myrna Sokoloff has put together a “pro-soldier, support our troops, pro-America” comedy, which Stephen Hayes previews in the new Weekly Standard. In it, filmmaker Michael Malone (Kevin “brother of Chris” Farley) and his organization MoveAlong.org are trying to repeal the Fourth of July when three angels—the Angel of Death, George S. Patton, and George Washington—come to him and convince him to change his ways.

The crowd at Heritage got to see a trailer and a few minutes of clips 24 hours before either of them will be generally released. I’m a huge fan of the Zucker-Leslie Nielsen canon, and not much of a fan of Zucker’s ads for Republicans. The footage we saw floated somewhere in the middle of those two projects, quality-wise. Fat-assed Malone travels to Cuba, pledges to destroy America, and takes advantage of the invisibility granted by ghost status by grabbing a protestor’s boobs. Bill O’Reilly appears out of nowhere to slap him. “I just like doing that,” he says.


In February, it was reported that Kelsey Grammer would be Scrooge in the new movie. He’s actually playing the ghost of George Patton, and Jon Voight is playing George Washington. In a clip we saw, Washington takes Malone to St. Paul’s Cathedral to lecture him on freedom of religion and “freedom of speech, which you abuse.” Malone is grossed out by dust in the priest’s box, so the doors open onto the smoldering ruins of the World Trade Center. “This is the dust of 3000 innocent human beings!” bellows Washington. Malone whimpers that he’s just making movies. Washington won’t have it. “Is that what you plan to say on Judgment Day?”

“That scene,” said Sokoloff, “is hard to put in a comedy. But we had to do it.”

Told ya.

Moore has been the subject of several hateful documentaries that no one ever saw or cared about–Fahrenhype 9/11, Manufacturing Dissent, Celsius 41.11, Michael Moore Hates America, probably others.  It is truly baffling why so much time, money, and unbridled loathing has been wasted desperately attempting (and failing) to discredit a man who brought a bevy of sick 9\11 first responders to Cuba so they could get medicines for their ailments that their insurance company tried to screw them out of. 

The good news is I finally saw a preview for An American Carol on TV, and it just looks like a slapstick nothing film that will be buried under Oliver Stone’s W and possibly Bill Maher’s Religulous.  The sad thing is that a film poking fun at Moore or celebrity activism COULD have been done in a funny way (one of the Reason commenters mentions Team America successfully doing this), if they would just drop all the stupid Republican talking points. 

Ever seen The American President?  Great film.  Know what sucks about it?  All the Democrat talking points.  When the characters parrot the Clintonista laundry list of DNC cliches, it doesn’t matter if you agree with what they’re saying, you still want to hang yourself.

Hey, imagine if they made fun of Oliver Stone instead!  They could have a bungling wannabe paranoid filmmaker that tries to make movies about bogus conspiracy theories and historical events with major factual inaccuracies.  But then, he accidentally stumbles across a REAL conspiracy!…

SEE??!!  ANYONE can do this!  You can make fun of liberals, conservatives, Holloywood, whatever–but you have to not be an aggrandizing shitbag when you do it, or you become the thing you’re satirizing.

Something else that bothers me about Carol.  For reasons unknown, it stars Kelsey Grammer and Dennis Hopper.  My question is… um… WHY?  What compelled the right-wing financiers of this flick to tap the eeeeelitist Fraisier Crane and the hippie biker from Easy Rider ? Are they just going to have their pay for the movie made out to their respective coke dealers?  I mean, these guys have done far more for the nation of Columbia than America.  (On the other hand, their drug habits have probably bankrolled the CIA for the next 20 years).  And Kevin Farley?  What was the pitch that convinced him to sign on?

“Hi, Kevin, I’m David Zucker!  I’ve made some of the best non-Python absurdist comedy films ever produced in the Western hemisphere.  I feel like pissing away all my respectability by making a movie that slanders Michael Moore, a filmmaker who does the same thing I do only with non-fiction.  Now, in order to make the movie, we need someone to play a character who looks like Michael Moore but is an asshole, so we can imply that the real Micahel Moore is an asshole too.  The real Michael Moore is very fat and ugly and stupid-looking, so we need an actor that can fill that role–get it?  “Fill” the “roll”?  Like, the role is for a fat guy and fat guys fill up a lot of space, and they fill their rolls that they eat with butter and other fattening things!  Fat fat fat!  Man, who says I’ve gone downhill since the last Naked Gun film?

“Anyway, when we thought of an actor who was fat, ugly, and stupid-looking, we immediately thought of your dead brother Chris, because he was really fat and ugly and stupid-looking.  In fact, if he was alive we’d ask him to do the movie.  But unfortunately Chris died from a cocaine overdose, and we’ve already got 2 ex-coke addicts in our cast.  So we were wondering if you’d like to take the part yourself, since you’re genetically related to fat Chris, so you’re probably fat too, and then we could make you a fat faux Michael Moore.  How does that grab ya?

“Just remember when you go to the auditions to bring no cocaine, but please do bring all your fat.  Oh, and at one point in the movie Bill O’Reilly slaps you, so there might be some 2257 paperwork for you to fill out.”

Maybe I am exaggerating just a wee bit.  But if that’s not what they said, then what did they say?

I could point out that “A Christmas Carol”, where they are obviously getting the title from, was written by Charles DIckens, a man whose sociopolitical outlook was extremely close to Michael Moore’s.  I could also point out that getting a movie title froma book was done by Moore himself with Fahrenheit 9\11, taken from “Fahrenheit 451”.  I could belabor the point even further by mentioning that exploiting “A Christmas Carol” for polemic and financial profit is just furthering the War on Christmas, but since O’Reilly is in the movie that makes it ok.  Or something. 

I’m sure that if you hate Michael Moore more than bin Laden and Hitler and Stalin and Skeletor and Gargamel and Lord Voldemort combined, you will enjoy this film.  And if you love inane nitpicking that doesn’t go anywhere, you must be a blogger.


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